Nothing Original

I made my first attempt at meeting people (by people, I mean Black people) today. i call it an attempt because I at least feel like I tried. As soon as I get the nerve to talk to someone I just shut it down. I just put my head down and keep walking. Funny how that doesn't happen when I see white people.................................................

I guess I feel like the Black people here won't think I'm Black enough. Like I'm some kinda imposter. Maybe I'm assuming too much. But then again, all that I know about Black people is assumption. It's not like I had anything to role model. The Black kids I knew were just like me. And we were the only Black people WE knew. Basically, everything I know (or think I know) I got from television. The rappers, their clothes and jewelry. The guns, the violence. The stuff I thought was cool. The stuff I tried to emulate. The baggy jeans, the big chain, the rims on my car. I figured it would help me be more like them. Those cool Black people. Honestly, I started to feel kinda dumb when all of the white kids around me were doing the same thing. So much for sticking out LOL. I guess I just didn't feel like I was being me, but I didn't even know who I was. I thought changing the way I dressed would help but I just wound up dressing like the kids around me. Still pretending..........................

Friends

The people I know here I've known since I was young. I think one of my biggest fears is that they will be the only people I know for the next four years. There are way too many people on this campus for me to not at least get to know a few. No offense, to my friends but it's the truth.

I think I like these guys because they accepted me the quickest. It's not like I didn't stick out in my neighborhood already. Some of the other kids would ask some of the oddest question. It's funny when I think back on it. Why does your skin look like that? Is it paint? Does it wash off? I really didn't know how to respond. I guess I made friends with these guys because they didn't ask me any of that. We just played football.

Maybe that's why it's been so hard for me here. I guess I'm assuming that if people don't come up and talk to me that they must not like me. These assumptions make my chances of meeting people much smaller. It was easy to be outgoing back at home because I stood out already. But there are so many people here that look like me. That gimmick won't work here LOL. If there are things I really want to know I'm going to have to ask questions and talk to people. I can't let my assumptions get the best of me. It's not too late to make this experience worthwhile.

Conflicted

I really thought I had it all together when I came here. Friends - Check. Money - Check. I figured that was all I needed. But then I got here and realized that my world has been a bit sheltered. I know I talked a good game the last time but getting out and meeting people here is much harder than I thought. To be honest, it was all just tough talk. To say that life was easy would be a lie. I don't want for anything, but that doesn't help ease the emotional stuff. It really does get lonely sometimes. I never really discussed the whole race/adoption thing with my parents. It was something they kinda just acknowledged when I asked about it but never any details. I wonder about why they adopted me and why I was put up for adoption in the first place. Why did they decide to adopt me instead of a white child? Who are my biological parents? What kind of people were they? I have alot of assumptions. Most of them just come from anger. My parents are great and all but I would really like to get to know that part of me. That "Black" side of me. I know they can't help me with that and they haven't tried. Maybe this is the best place to start to figure these things out. But where do I start?

Is It Me?????????????????????

I don't think so but I feel like I need to put it out there. LOL! BUt Really Dude..................Maybe I'm just not giving people a chance. Maybe I need to see what's out there. It wasn't until recently that I started to think like this. IDK. I just feel like there has to be more to life than just hanging around the same people and doing the same things all the time. I see all of these possibilities on campus but I don't take advantage of them. I guess I am afraid. but WHY???????????????? I'm not a fan of rejection so that could be it. Especially because I'm used to getting what i want. But maybe its time I put myself out there and see what happens. At the least my friends will still be there. Or will they? Who knows? Only time will tell I guess. But until then these are just words. Who's to say I'll even act on them?

Acting White

I feel like this is something I need to talk about but not with anybody here.

It's not like I don't know I'm Black. I see that everyday. It's been that obvious since as far back as I can remember. I look completely different from my parents. Well, not just look; they're white. I've heard the shit enough times. People where I live at thought it was crazy at first. It wasn't to me so I just ignored it. I got used to being the only black person all the time. Eventually, my friends stop seeing it so I did too. I had everything they had (and still do, if not more). All my friends have always been white and I fit right in. Just like them, my parents have lots of money and I'm not ashamed of that. I flaunt that shit like its my job.

It wasn't really until I got to college that I started to see it again. I was actually surprised to see so many types of people on the campus. I don't have financial aid but I guess it works wonders. I pretty much just hang out with the guys I hung out with in high school. Them and some girls we met here. There are a few Black people in my dorm but I never talk to them. I don't really see the point. We have nothing in common. Just being Black isn't enough for me to talk to you. They all hang out together like there aren't any other people in the building. Who the hell do they think they are?

I think my biggest issue is the fact that no one here seems to see me as Black. People have said to me that I act white and talk white. WTF????????????????????? Because I talk proper and don't fuck up all of my words on purpose? Because I don't wear my pants past my ass and drink forties? Excuse me for not acting like an animal. And they wonder why people look at them the way they do. I might be Black but I'm NOTHING like THEM>