OK, Now Back To Me

I went into this project with a very bad idea of what it would be like to be Black and adopted by White people. I basically thought they lived a life of privilege and could care less about other Black people. I thought they had a very stereotypical view of other Black people and would never take the time to try to challenge themselves to change.

I understand now that while some of these things may be true to an extent, it is not the fault of the individual. There are many environmental factors that influence how the individual becomes that way. Having read the experiences of people who live this voice gives me a much better understanding of the factors that contribute to their development. For many of them, college is not the first time they have encountered issues of race. Some times it is has been a lifelong struggle over which they have had no control. No one asks to be deprived of their culture. No one wants to deal with issues of identity at such a pivotal time as entering college. It just adds on to the pressure to adapt to the collge environment. I don't think we should shun someone because they are different or do not fit our definition of what it is to be Black, white, gay, lesbian. Identity development is not an exclusive experience. We all go through it in one way or another. There may be factors we have no clue about that make that person the way they are. At some point in life, we all are victims of circumstance and should not be so quick to harshly judge others.

FINALS!!!

So, yeah. Finals are kicking my behind right now so excuse my briefness. Bet you thought in the midst of all this I forgot about school didn't you??????

Be back when the storm's over! You should understand.

Somebody's Gotta Do It

If things were always easy, would we ever learn anything? Would we ever be challenged? Would we ever grow?

That's what I think about every time I wish I had someone else's life. Like maybe if I was white things would be different. I wouldn't have to deal with all the stuff I've gone through since I've been here. But the reality is, that's not who I am.

I'm not a white kid. I'm not always comfortable. I'm not complacent with being naive anymore. I don't have the privilege of depending on my parents to fix this for me. But most importantly, I'm not alone.

There are lots of other people out there that feel the same way I do and are going through the same things. I am not the first person who has had to work backwards in order to go forward. The more I think about, the better I feel. As much as we'd like to think so, we're not original. Somebody out there knows exactly how we feel.

Yeah, things get tough. But, they could be alot worse. My life could have turned out a million other ways. Now, I understand the benefit of the life I have. It's not perfect be any means but it's mine. And I'll take whatever comes with it.

I've realized there's so much more to experience in life. I may not get to all of it but I'll do what I can for as long as I can. I'm on a journey now, and this journey has no end.

No one else can live my life, because it's MY LIFE.

The More You Know

In all of this exploration I've been doing on my own, I've kind of forgotten about the friends I had when I first got here. Apparently they have started to do the same.

I caught up with some of them and it wasn't the reunion I was expecting. There was no warm embrace. Just irritation and resentment. I tried to catch up with them and see how things were, but I might as well have been talking to a brick wall. They just looked at me blankly, gave one-word responses, no enthusiasm at all. Then, it all just came out.

So the assumption is that I have been avoiding them because I think I am better than them now because I have met other people. More specifically, other Black people. Even though my distance was unintentional, I guess they took it as an insult. I tried to explain to them that I'm just reaching a new phase in my life. That I am learning more about myself. I don't think they cared about that. I think they were content with me being they're only Black friend. But I just wasn't content with having to be their only Black friend. I can't help the path I have been put on and how much I want to be on it. I guess we've begun going in separate directions. As much as I would like to keep them as friends, I can't pretend to be something I'm not to please them. We're just in different places in our lives. I'm moving forward and they're content with standing still. Hopefully they'll have an experience in school that'll make them understand where I'm coming from and we hokk back up in the future.

Aftershock

SO after my last rant I had to sit back and take some time to reflect on the situation. Yes, blowing up at my parents and writing about it felt great. Making them feel guilty for sheltering me for so long felt good also. I don't think there was much I felt bad about right then.

But I had to realize that even though I was made at them, these are the people who have taken care of me my whole life. These two people have provided me with any and everything I could want. It is because of them I am even in college. While I am still upset, I would be wrong to think they did any of it with the intent of hurting me. That would just be wrong. And while I am far from ready to apologize I can admit I was wrong. I had to think about other times in my life when I lashed out and they were understanding. And I had to think about the OTHER ways I could have turned out. I could not have parents at all. I could be homeless. I could be dead somewhere. Things could be alot worse than being sheltered.

Having that conversation with my parents (or whatever you want to call it) let me know that I can be who I am going to become and be alright with it. I can't be their baby forever. I can't be that sheltered little Black kid anymore. I have to grow up sometime. I just hope they eventually understand that the person i came to school as is slowly become the old me. And sometime in the future that person won't be any more than a memory.

Meet the Parents

So I'm back from break and here's the verdict: my parents are the WORST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK, I'm adopted, big deal. I've come to terms with that. But WHY they adopted me is a bit shaky in my opinion. My parents were very involved in the civil rights movement and found ways to help out Black people. I guess this was their way of giving back or naming up for what White people did to Black people. And I guess picking the darkest kid in the bunch made them feel even better about themselves. Now I feel like less like their child and more like a charity case. I feel like them adopting me made them feel better but what about me? Did they think about how this would all affect me now? did they thing they could shield me from the rest of the world forever? Why didn't they help me prepare for it?

But what I'm not so understanding about is how they could just let me go through life so oblivious and so content with thinking things were cool. If they were trying to help me, wouldn't they make an effort to expose me to my culture? Why blind my sights and make me think White people are the be all and end all of the world? Why just throw me to the wolves so to speak? There was never a time EVER that they tried to expose me to Black people, films, food, or anything Black for that matter. The excuse (and I call it that because that's what it is) they gave me was that they were scared of the influences I would pick up and how they would impact my behavior and how I saw them. So I had to start doing it myself. And it feels good. It's not like they can stop me anymore. They can't hide things from me anymore. I've started to meet other people here who are looking for the same thing. They don't judge me or make me feel like I'm less of a Black person. I've spent so much time trying to fit in with other people and never knew who I was. Now, I'm learning more than I ever thought I would.

My Mind's Made Up

I've decided that i'm going to ask my parents about this whole adoption thing. I think I've waited long enough. It's been weighing on my conscious for a while. Even more so since I've been here at school. I think being here has intensified my need to know. Am I wrong though? Who wouldn't want to know who they are and where they come from? I can't even tell people here about me because sometimes I'm not even sure who I am anymore. I find myself alone alot lately. I barely hang around my friends anymore. Things just don't feel the same. It just seems like I'm drifting, going nowhere fast. No purpose. No direction. I'm hoping once I have some answers I can get some of that back.