Meet the Parents

So I'm back from break and here's the verdict: my parents are the WORST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK, I'm adopted, big deal. I've come to terms with that. But WHY they adopted me is a bit shaky in my opinion. My parents were very involved in the civil rights movement and found ways to help out Black people. I guess this was their way of giving back or naming up for what White people did to Black people. And I guess picking the darkest kid in the bunch made them feel even better about themselves. Now I feel like less like their child and more like a charity case. I feel like them adopting me made them feel better but what about me? Did they think about how this would all affect me now? did they thing they could shield me from the rest of the world forever? Why didn't they help me prepare for it?

But what I'm not so understanding about is how they could just let me go through life so oblivious and so content with thinking things were cool. If they were trying to help me, wouldn't they make an effort to expose me to my culture? Why blind my sights and make me think White people are the be all and end all of the world? Why just throw me to the wolves so to speak? There was never a time EVER that they tried to expose me to Black people, films, food, or anything Black for that matter. The excuse (and I call it that because that's what it is) they gave me was that they were scared of the influences I would pick up and how they would impact my behavior and how I saw them. So I had to start doing it myself. And it feels good. It's not like they can stop me anymore. They can't hide things from me anymore. I've started to meet other people here who are looking for the same thing. They don't judge me or make me feel like I'm less of a Black person. I've spent so much time trying to fit in with other people and never knew who I was. Now, I'm learning more than I ever thought I would.

My Mind's Made Up

I've decided that i'm going to ask my parents about this whole adoption thing. I think I've waited long enough. It's been weighing on my conscious for a while. Even more so since I've been here at school. I think being here has intensified my need to know. Am I wrong though? Who wouldn't want to know who they are and where they come from? I can't even tell people here about me because sometimes I'm not even sure who I am anymore. I find myself alone alot lately. I barely hang around my friends anymore. Things just don't feel the same. It just seems like I'm drifting, going nowhere fast. No purpose. No direction. I'm hoping once I have some answers I can get some of that back.

Just So You Know.........

I talked alot about the whole fraternity thing early on and I still haven't ruled that out. I just haven't found one I think is right for me. I have seen that some organizations have been recruiting outside of the rush period though. I don't want to rush and make a permanent mistake if you know what I mean. I am starting to see the Black and Latin fraternities much more but I as still hesitant to go in that direction. Just thought I'd put that out there, nothing big.

The N

Everything I've done so far hasn't worked out in my favor. Fraternity rush was a bust. All of the guys there I could have met at home (and not to mention some of the stuff I heard them say definately turned me off). The N-Word in particular. These guys, most of them white, said it like it was second nature. I had never heard it so much in my life! The possiblity of me joining one of these groups dropped drastically as a result. I don;t think there was one house I went to where I didnt hear it. It made me pretty uncomfortable hearing it like that and to know that so many people said it. Not saying anything about it didn't make it any better. Trying to be accepted made me allow something I knew was wrong.

I am taking an Africana Studies class this semester and it has exposed me to alot of things I wasn't aware of. I took it for the Black aspect, thinking I would just be learning history and stuff. Things I never learned about back home. I didn't really know the impact the word had on Black people until I got here. I'm no expert on it. I just see how others talk about it and it makes me guilty for saying it. I start to feel their anger toward it and it makes me want to stop saying it. I guess I was naive enough to think that was something that only the people I knew did. My friends and I used to say it to each other like it was nothing. I'm starting to see the wrong in it now.

Night Number Two

So I visited about three more places tonight. Not much of a difference. Actually, thats an understatement. It was more like the same people in different letters. The same offers of food and alcohol. The same talk about how many girls frat guys get. The same people I had seen the night before. IT WAS ALL SAME!!!!!!!. How do people even choose???????? There has to be something that sets these guys apart from each other besides colors and locations. I am not really seeing anything I haven't seen already. I want something new. I can't find out more about me if I keep running toward everything I already know. I'm slowly losing interest. But I won't give up just yet.

First Night Out

So I stopped at a couple of the frat houses tonight and it wasn't bad. Ate some free food. Drank some free beer. Met some cool people. Everybody seemed so friendly.For the most part, I felt like they all wanted to get to know me. It was pretty much all white people. A few Black guys, few Asians, that was about it. Nobody really stood out to me. All of the Black guys reminded me of myself. None of us really spoke to each other. Just drank and talked to some of the brothers. There are a few other places on campus I wanna visit and the week is just gettin started. I would definately come back to two of the houses. There were some good guys there. Too early to say for sure what (or even if) I would join. Right now Im just trying to see what's out there. Hopefully there's more to it because I can see this gettin boring fast.

Rush

So the fraternities on this campus have this thing called rush. I figure I'll head out tonight and see what this is all about. I figure It would be easier to get to know some people if they HAVE to talk to you LOL. I'm startin to feel kinda desperate but this dorm is starting to close in on me. Hopefully this is will lead to more time outside of this box and these same people. Headin' out now. To be continued....................