Just So You Know.........

I talked alot about the whole fraternity thing early on and I still haven't ruled that out. I just haven't found one I think is right for me. I have seen that some organizations have been recruiting outside of the rush period though. I don't want to rush and make a permanent mistake if you know what I mean. I am starting to see the Black and Latin fraternities much more but I as still hesitant to go in that direction. Just thought I'd put that out there, nothing big.

The N

Everything I've done so far hasn't worked out in my favor. Fraternity rush was a bust. All of the guys there I could have met at home (and not to mention some of the stuff I heard them say definately turned me off). The N-Word in particular. These guys, most of them white, said it like it was second nature. I had never heard it so much in my life! The possiblity of me joining one of these groups dropped drastically as a result. I don;t think there was one house I went to where I didnt hear it. It made me pretty uncomfortable hearing it like that and to know that so many people said it. Not saying anything about it didn't make it any better. Trying to be accepted made me allow something I knew was wrong.

I am taking an Africana Studies class this semester and it has exposed me to alot of things I wasn't aware of. I took it for the Black aspect, thinking I would just be learning history and stuff. Things I never learned about back home. I didn't really know the impact the word had on Black people until I got here. I'm no expert on it. I just see how others talk about it and it makes me guilty for saying it. I start to feel their anger toward it and it makes me want to stop saying it. I guess I was naive enough to think that was something that only the people I knew did. My friends and I used to say it to each other like it was nothing. I'm starting to see the wrong in it now.

Night Number Two

So I visited about three more places tonight. Not much of a difference. Actually, thats an understatement. It was more like the same people in different letters. The same offers of food and alcohol. The same talk about how many girls frat guys get. The same people I had seen the night before. IT WAS ALL SAME!!!!!!!. How do people even choose???????? There has to be something that sets these guys apart from each other besides colors and locations. I am not really seeing anything I haven't seen already. I want something new. I can't find out more about me if I keep running toward everything I already know. I'm slowly losing interest. But I won't give up just yet.

First Night Out

So I stopped at a couple of the frat houses tonight and it wasn't bad. Ate some free food. Drank some free beer. Met some cool people. Everybody seemed so friendly.For the most part, I felt like they all wanted to get to know me. It was pretty much all white people. A few Black guys, few Asians, that was about it. Nobody really stood out to me. All of the Black guys reminded me of myself. None of us really spoke to each other. Just drank and talked to some of the brothers. There are a few other places on campus I wanna visit and the week is just gettin started. I would definately come back to two of the houses. There were some good guys there. Too early to say for sure what (or even if) I would join. Right now Im just trying to see what's out there. Hopefully there's more to it because I can see this gettin boring fast.

Rush

So the fraternities on this campus have this thing called rush. I figure I'll head out tonight and see what this is all about. I figure It would be easier to get to know some people if they HAVE to talk to you LOL. I'm startin to feel kinda desperate but this dorm is starting to close in on me. Hopefully this is will lead to more time outside of this box and these same people. Headin' out now. To be continued....................

Nothing Original

I made my first attempt at meeting people (by people, I mean Black people) today. i call it an attempt because I at least feel like I tried. As soon as I get the nerve to talk to someone I just shut it down. I just put my head down and keep walking. Funny how that doesn't happen when I see white people.................................................

I guess I feel like the Black people here won't think I'm Black enough. Like I'm some kinda imposter. Maybe I'm assuming too much. But then again, all that I know about Black people is assumption. It's not like I had anything to role model. The Black kids I knew were just like me. And we were the only Black people WE knew. Basically, everything I know (or think I know) I got from television. The rappers, their clothes and jewelry. The guns, the violence. The stuff I thought was cool. The stuff I tried to emulate. The baggy jeans, the big chain, the rims on my car. I figured it would help me be more like them. Those cool Black people. Honestly, I started to feel kinda dumb when all of the white kids around me were doing the same thing. So much for sticking out LOL. I guess I just didn't feel like I was being me, but I didn't even know who I was. I thought changing the way I dressed would help but I just wound up dressing like the kids around me. Still pretending..........................

Friends

The people I know here I've known since I was young. I think one of my biggest fears is that they will be the only people I know for the next four years. There are way too many people on this campus for me to not at least get to know a few. No offense, to my friends but it's the truth.

I think I like these guys because they accepted me the quickest. It's not like I didn't stick out in my neighborhood already. Some of the other kids would ask some of the oddest question. It's funny when I think back on it. Why does your skin look like that? Is it paint? Does it wash off? I really didn't know how to respond. I guess I made friends with these guys because they didn't ask me any of that. We just played football.

Maybe that's why it's been so hard for me here. I guess I'm assuming that if people don't come up and talk to me that they must not like me. These assumptions make my chances of meeting people much smaller. It was easy to be outgoing back at home because I stood out already. But there are so many people here that look like me. That gimmick won't work here LOL. If there are things I really want to know I'm going to have to ask questions and talk to people. I can't let my assumptions get the best of me. It's not too late to make this experience worthwhile.